I have just returned from my first ever package holiday to a sunny place. We went to Fuerteventura, which for those even less informed than I, ( that includes most travel agents I imagine) is one of the Canary Islands and is off the coast (100 miles off) of North Africa. That meant that we had to get there by aeroplane and it was hot.

I shall give you some of my observations in no particular order of importance. First, the entertainment. We deliberately went for a hotel with a kids club, but I had no idea how much extra there was involved. It was like Haven in the sun. Or Butlins if you have not been to Haven. Or if you have been to neither, you should. During the day around the pool there was a quiz (I won) and a darts competition (R won). There was also water polo, volleyball, football, pool competitions. The girls went to a 2 hour session in the kids club every day and didn't complain about it at all. There was also a playground and a soft play zone room. The entertainment highlight was the Dynamite Disco at 8pm, which the girls adored. H was up there doing the actions to Agadoo with the best of them. Now, I know already some of my dear readers are developing nervous tics - but we loved it! Everything was familiar and safe. Everyone spoke English. The food was identifiable - fishfingers, spag bol, meat balls - A had chips and something every night. The girls want to go back next year.

Recently I read a book about a man who went to live in Rotherham for a year as a social experiement as it is the most average town in Britain. The book revealed more about his attitudes than about the people of Britain, but I identified with his 'holiday maker' - the Brit abroad who does not seek new sights and experiences, but wants the same as at home but a bit warmer. I am 100% in that holiday camp. Having never had any experience of 'resorts' I was a bit culture shocked by how British it all is. Even a Netto supermarket. That is not something anyone tells you do they? Come to Fuerteventura and shop in Netto. Fantastic selling point for me. There was an Irish bar, loads of 'Italian' restaurants, options like full english breakfasts for 5 euros and even a Chinese. The shops sell UK papers, things like ketchup and marmite. It really is like being at home but warmer. What a great idea! Why didn't I do this before?

Most of our days were spent at the pool, with H averaging 4 hours a day actually in the water. We did go to the beach twice, and it was fine - sandy, with shallow, safe water which seemed clean. We played crazy golf. A and I went for a ride on the road train, which goes all round the resort which encouragingly showed me that we had made a good hotel choice in terms of closeness to everything. However, there really is not much else to do than swim in the sun. I guess that is where the UK seaside has had to diversify - there is no sun - so when you go there you mooch around aquariums, arcades and fair grounds, museums of something dull and unheard of, because it is raining and your children are whinging. In Fva, there is nothing to do if the sun is not shining. But we had 5 days of fab sun and only our last day was a bit windy and 'spitting' ('quick children! inside!'). Even then we went to the beach.

Now, during our time away we did work on honing our skills at spotting Germans. Everyone was British or German. Now, women were difficult, and as my archetypal German woman is Karin Kingston, I sometimes failed. She is tall and thin and stern and married to a short, portly jolly English man and they go to my parents' chuch. Well, I think they are still alive, anyway, there were there throughtout my formative years. Men - we worked out a formula:

the larger the size of belly, number of tattoos on display and visible areas of sun burn = British

the skinnier the belly, the wearing of tight trousers and pale skin = German.

Generally, we were overawed with how similar looking we all are as Northern Europeans, and how difficult it is to tell us apart. Which must be encouraging for world peace. I wowed one of the ladies at the salad bar in the buffet one evening by showing her my 'fitnessteller' meal and she understood me! I encouraged H to make friends with a girl her age at the pool who was German, and they copied each others dives and jumps for a good hour, until H's English friend returned. H shouted out 'Emily! My friend is a GERMAN!' and from then on the language barrier returned and H and E drifted off ( literally) together, leaving Marit on her own.

One night we let the girls stay up after the disco (it was when we had won and we needed to collect our prizes) and I did the bingo. I didn't win.

Which brings me nicely to my final news on the holiday. While we were away I had a tingling feeling of good fortune - seriously - I just knew I would win something. It wasn't the bingo, but when I got home I found I had won a designer nightwear set which is on its way to me, and a night in a hotel in London, all courtesy of Bold. I entered a competition in the Daily Echo.

Today was A's 4th birthday party, the actual birthday was yesterday, where we had a lunch party at granny's. My family are nuts, and my sister in law is as barmy as the rest of us and we spent ages playing silly games to amuse the children - then noticed they had all wandered off and we were still playing. R's mum drove us home and has gone off to her brother's today for a rest I should imagine. So, I did the party for 12 3-5 year olds. It all went very smoothly, everyone behaved impeccably and A went to bed happy with a year's supply of stickers and felt tips. People know her well. She is obsessed with 'cuttin and stickin' and the presents reflected this obsession. Having a 4 year old and a 6 year old sounds so grown up though. as I often say: "what am I going to do when you go to school all day?" to which A always replies "relax."